Working with Mothers and Daughters at the Middle School Transition

Cathy Weigel Foy

Twice within the space of four hours, two separate mothers voiced the same worry in my office. "Our relationship is at the brink. We can't talk any more; I just don't know how to reach her." Since my practice includes a fair amount of work with adolescents who struggle fiercely for independence, the plea from the mothers I spoke with that afternoon wouldn't be unusual. It's often an apt description of the shifts in the mother-daughter relationship at adolescence. But that was not the case.

What was interesting about these pleas was that both daughters were 11 years old. I had heard similar accounts from both mothers and fathers among my peers, my family members, colleagues and friends - all of whom are unusually sensitive to the subtle shifts in the mother-daughter relationship. However, since that day four years ago, I've heard it increasingly from clients with pre-adolescent daughters.

Sometimes the concerns are about early "cracks" in their relationship with their pre-adolescent as their daughter becomes more verbally assertive, or brings distance and silence into a once confiding relationship. Other concerns focus on what is yet to come as typical adolescent relationship struggles are anticipated. I laud these parents for their perceptiveness and proactive stance on an often subtle relational shift that is emerging as younger and younger children are bombarded by confusing images and messages delivered by electronic media, retail stores, peers and role models. Parents, as well as daughters, are often confused and don't know where to turn for help as they confront new behaviors and attitudes.

Honoring Healthy Development

After becoming a parent for the first time, the second most significant shift in family life is at the onset of adolescence. Both transitions are about connectedness in relationships - first-time parents learn to expand their circle to include a child, and parents of adolescents fight to maintain connectedness while fostering individuation and autonomy. The transition to parenthood is often eased by support from Lamaze groups, parent-to-be groups, and new parent groups. Where are such supports for the transition to adolescence?

As the mothers' quotes suggest, the pressures of adolescence seem to be experienced by younger and younger children, at a time when they are not well-equipped (physically, cognitively, emotionally, socially, and spiritually) to cope effectively with these challenges. Mary Pipher very eloquently argues that the broader culture is increasingly shaping the lives of children (1996). The media introduces first graders not only to brand name clothing but to Brittany Spears-styles and thus, begins the connection between popularity and appearance. Fashion policing by peers can be seen in schools across the nation. In an attempt to maximize existing resources, school districts often require children to change buildings as well as friendships three times before reaching junior high school or place 10 and 11 year olds in the same building with 12 through 14 year olds. Just as a child is learning the art of making and maintaining friendships, friends move on not by choice but by the boundary set by the school. Computer technology also influences relationships in ways inconceivable in past decades. It proves an important linkage for families and friends flung across the globe. Yet it can also prove quite destructive to the emerging ego of a 10 year old whose instant message meant for a "friend" is broadcast to a network. Where are supports that honor timeliness in the developmental process, and privilege values and character over appearance and popularity?

In the 1980s, David Elkind warned about assuming competence in a child too soon, privileging the parent's need for responsibility in the child over the child's need for timely development (1988). This message seems no less apt for today's families. For the pre-adolescent, the question that begs to be asked is "Who will protect her from her own ignorance and 'normal' incompetencies?"

Vulnerability: More Characteristic of Girls

Over the last fifteen years, studies show that girls are more vulnerable to the stresses of adolescence than boys (Sadker, 1994; Brown & Gilligan, 1992; Greenberg-Lake Analysis Group, 1991; Michigan State Board of Education, 1991; Gilligan, Lyons & Hanmer, 1990; Gilligan, Ward & Taylor, 1988). IQ scores drop; math and science scores plummet. Girls lose their resiliency, are less inclined to take healthy risks, become depressed, more self-critical, particularly about their bodies.

The shift from being the confident, optimistic, assertive and happy daughter occurs in early adolescence, roughly 10.5 to 12 years old and coincides with entrance to middle school. Recently, a graduating fourth grader confided that she knew fifth grade was going to be "horrible, because the teachers are mean and don't care about you. And all your friends start acting funny - like they don't want to be around you any more." What adult would survive on such a battlefield at work?  Needless to say, this transition is over-determined and girls' fears and anxieties need tending. In time-starved families, there are often few resources available for this kind of nurturance.

Resiliency research (Walsh, 1997; Wolin, 1995; Werner & Smith, 1992) points to the crucial presence of a confiding relationship in the development of competencies for successful adulthood. Optimal development of personal and social competencies requires a sensitive titration of challenge, with its attendant anxiety, along with support. In her 1990 study, Apter found that most girls wanted to confide in their mothers and felt that their mothers understood them the most. The question now becomes, "How do you capitalize on the strengths inherent in the mother-daughter relationship to ease a daughter's transition to middle school and adolescence?"

Early Strengthening of Connections is Vital

Well-armed with studies and research that suggest the criticalness of this transition in a girl's life, I wrestled with all these questions. Many programs that attempt to address preadolescent issues target daughters only (LeCroy & Daley, 2001; Cash, 1997; Abner & Villarosa, 1996; Bingham, Edmondson & Stryker, 1993). I felt strongly that a relational approach could better harness the resources needed for a good transition. My own wish to work with mothers and daughters before negative positions and feelings harden during adolescence only added to my determination. Out of this The Mother-Daughter Connection: Empowering Mothers and Daughter for the Middle School Transition was born.

A group format seemed best suited to the over-all goals: to foster a support network among mothers and among daughters, to enhance the mother-daughter relationship in preparation for the middle school transition. To foster support among mothers and to provide a forum to discuss confusing aspects of adolescence, I decided that mothers should meet in their own group for six sessions. To form a similar cohesive grouping for the girls, girls should meet concurrently in their own group for six sessions. Four combined mother-daughter sessions were planned to give mothers and daughters an opportunity to practice their newly-honed skills, to afford both mothers and daughters a "look" into the dynamics of other mother-daughter relationships, and to allow for the opportunity for other adult-pre-adolescent pairings to develop.

To provide some structure to sessions, a topic was planned for each week, but did not take precedence over the group's preference for other conversations. Topics focused on the areas of struggle at adolescence, including: friendship, communication, negotiation, values, discipline, achievement, body changes, risk-taking behaviors.

Since 9 and 10 year old girls don't appear in great numbers in any one's caseload, the greatest challenge to beginning such a group was formulating an effective marketing strategy. With support from marketing expertise both at home and at work, I developed a brochure, sent it out, made the requisite follow-up calls, and waited. The phone began to ring and the first group met four years ago. The group has become a yearly event at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, and I now receive phone calls year round about the group. Referrals also come as a result of presentations in the community as well as from other therapists and interested parents. The demand has encouraged me to consider expanding my efforts beyond the annual group.

Initial, tentative findings suggest that both mothers and daughters are developing trusting friendships with their peers. Mothers report that they feel more prepared to help their daughter to face the challenges of middle school. A more formal program evaluation is in process.

Each mother-daughter pair has taught me and my co-facilitators much about the ebbs and flows of the difficult pre-adolescent transition, and about the complex nature of the mother-daughter relationship. We have been touched by the profound longing for connection that underlies the struggles of each mother-daughter pair. The group remains a "work in progress" as new learnings from each group refine our plan for each subsequent group. And follow-up calls to past participants only encourage us to continue on with this work.

References

Abner, A., & Villarosa, L. (1996). Finding our way: The teen girls' survival guide. New York: Harper Perennial.

Apter, T. (1990). Altered loves: Mothers and daughters during adolescence. New York: St. Martin's Press.

Bingham, M., Edmondson, J., & Stryker, S. (1993). Choices: A teen women's journal for self-awareness and personal planning. Santa Barbara, CA: Advocacy Press.

Brown, L., & Gilligan, C. (1992). Meeting at the crossroads: Women's psychology and girls' development. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Cash, T. (1997). The body-image workbook: An eight-step program for learning to like your looks. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Elkind, D. (1988). The hurried child: Growing up too fast too soon. New York: Addison-Wesley Publishing.

Gilligan, C., Lyons, N., & Hanmer, T. (Eds.). (1990). Making connections: The relational worlds of adolescent girls at Emma Willard School. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Gilligan, C., Ward, J., & Taylor, J. (Eds.). (1988). Mapping the moral domain. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Greenberg-Lake Analysis Group. (1991). Short-changing girls, shortchanging America: A nationwide poll to assess self-esteem, educational experiences, interest in math and science, and career aspirations of girls and boys ages 9-15. Washington, DC: American Association of University Women.

LeCroy, C., & Daley, J. (2001). Empowering adolescent girls: Examining the present and building skills for the future with go girls program. New York: Norton.

Michigan State Board of Education, Office of Sex Equity in Education. (1991). The influence of gender-role socialization on student perceptions: A report on data collected from Michigan public school students.

Pipher, M. (1996). The shelter of each other: Rebuilding our families. New York: Grosset/Putnam Books.

Sadker, D., & Sadker, M. (1994). Failing in fairness: How America's schools cheat girls. New York: Touchstone Press.

Walsh, F. (1997). Strengthening family resilience. New York: Guilford Press.

Werner, E., & Smith, R. (1992). Overcoming the odds. New York: Cornell University Press.

Wolin, S., & Wolin, S. (1993). The resilient self. New York: Villard Press.